Defining Self in the Face of Big Change

As I contemplate my transition from "not being a mother" to "being a mother", I find myself working diligently to tie up all the loose ends in my life.  There are physical loose ends to tie up, like cleaning out  the closet that will become my daughter's closet; and there are personal/emotional loose ends to tie up.  One prominent personal/emotional loose end to tie up is: who am I, anyway?  Yes, I just went there- to the completely philosophical.  But this seems important because I feel that it would be nice to have a sense of self in order to be a proper guide for my daughter as she develops her sense of self in the upcoming years.

Maybe I don't need to completely and perfectly define "who I am"; but it would be nice to tidy up my quest so it becomes manageable and sustainable.  For instance, I sat down today to tally up the blogs I have going and their purpose in my life.  Here's the tally:

• myersfamilylove.com, which is a place where I attempt to keep up-to-date posts and pictures of my family-of-origin.  This blog allows me to sit and contemplate my family and my place in it. 
• cottonfamilylove.blogspot.com, which is a place where I can share pertinent information about my current nuclear family with anyone who cares to keep up-to-date.
• christopherandkate.com has not been updated in years.  Christopher set it up just before our wedding to give us a way to share info with people coming from out-of-town.  But then I decided that I didn't like wordpress, or was reluctant to learn it, and so I used it maybe once since the wedding and christopher has not used it at all.
• katecotton.com never really took off, because I wasn't sure what I wanted to say at the time, and I had used the program iweb to create it and that anchored me to a certain computer.  Furthermore, iweb is a bit of a pain.
• teacher.katecotton.com is where I started a professional web site advertising my teacher skills.  The question became "who am I advertising these skills to anyway?".  I still don't know and it also suffers from the iweb problem so it has not been updated since it's creation.

That brings me to this very blog.  I started this blog after my first AWA (Amherst Writers and Artists) meeting (thanks for introducing me to that Joslyne!!!).  I posted what I wrote that day.  And then I posted what I wrote in subsequent sessions. Over time, it became the place where I write things (or paste quotes) that are personal to me (not my family or husband or anyone else).

This site has been a great outlet for certain things I want to articulate, but I have not been able to shake some underlying insecurity about it, namely:

• Who would care to read the rambling thoughts that I write?
• Will I say something that I later disagree with myself about, and regret?  Or will I write stuff that will reveal the true, boring, philosophical, nerd that I am, and then anyone who reads this will cease to like me anymore?
• What if someone actually does care to read it, and I'm then held responsible for what I write (should this blog be closed to others)?

I'm sure I have other insecurities, but I like lists of three. :)  (OCD anyone???)

I think that finding an answer to those three questions will provide me with a little more certainty about what I'm doing here and how to proceed with purpose.  In general, I like the idea of keeping a little space on the web that reflects me, and allows me self-expression, but when my insecurities come up I get doubtful that it is worth it.

For now, I will sit with the uncertainty and see where this site takes me.